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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #671
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    One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking
    beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

    The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at
    this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

    I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

  2. #672
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    Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an
    orientation.

    They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
    family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them
    say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say
    that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
    husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our
    children of tomorrow."

    The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say,
    "Look! He's moving!" "

  3. #673
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    At a big ****tail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed
    another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures
    at her husband.

    It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it
    off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
    At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and
    screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he
    doesn't INSTALL them!"

  4. #674
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    A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with
    the dilemma of which to marry.

    As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went
    for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She
    returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most
    beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

    The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new
    stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these
    things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

    The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her
    original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to
    multiply, and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I
    have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future
    together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

    The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then
    gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the
    biggest boobs.

  5. #675
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    An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
    in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

    "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
    "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

  6. #676
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    You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy
    night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people
    waiting for the bus:

    1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

    2. An old friend who once saved your life.

    3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming
    about.

    Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
    that there could only be one passenger in your car.

    Think before you continue reading.

    This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
    used as part of a job application.

    You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
    die, and thus you should save her first; or you could
    take the old friend because he once saved your life,
    and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

    However, you may never be able to find your perfect
    dream lover again.

    The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
    no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may
    actually use it sometime for an interview situation.

    WHAT DID HE SAY?

    He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
    old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital.
    I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman
    of my dreams."

    Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

  7. #677
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    Double Entendres Out The Wazoo

    There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
    He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

    Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

  8. #678
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    <center>Purple Death</center>

    The following is a description of a New Zealand wine taken straight from the bottle word for word. (Anyone who has tried it will know that it is a mild description).

    PURPLE DEATH (that is really the name)

    An unusual 'Rough-as-Guts' aperitif that has the distinctive bouquet of horse-**** and old tram tickets. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to prevent ingestion of any foreign bodies. Connoisseurs will savour the slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt cat fur. Possessors of a cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of animal manure and perished jock straps strained through an old miner's sock. The maturing in small pigs' bladders gives it a very definite nose.

    Marketed under the Saviour Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the first time exclaim 'Je-e-esus Chri-ist').

    Caution: Keep away from 'naked flames' (both old and new).

    BOTTLED BY THE MAD SCIENTIST - JUST FOR FUN FOR SAPICH BROTHERS Forest Hill Road, Henderson, New Zealand
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  9. #679
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    <center>Stages of Drunkenness</center>

    Stage 1 - SMART

    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

    Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

    This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

    Stage 3 - RICH

    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

    Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

    You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

    Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

    This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  10. #680
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    <center>The "Dear. John" Letter</center>

    The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

    He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

    "Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

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