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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #681
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    There was a blonde driving down the centre of the road at 100 mph. A
    police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had
    stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

    "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do
    this," she said smiling.

    "That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a
    license."

    To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.
    Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an
    ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special
    consideration."

    She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this??
    It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

  2. #682
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    Entering a barber shop for a shave, a man mentions to the barber that he
    has had some problems getting a close shave on his cheeks. "I have just
    the thing," the barber told him. He fished around in a nearby drawer and
    handed the man a small wooden ball. "Just place this between your cheek
    and gum."

    The man put the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeded to give him the
    closest shave he had ever received. Halfway through the experience, the
    man grunted to the barber, "But what if I swallow the ball?"

    "Don't worry about it," the barber replied. "Just bring it back to me
    tomorrow like everyone else does."

  3. #683
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    Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few
    years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from
    repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can
    breed their own stock.

    The one sister balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
    dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

    Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy
    the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
    she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,
    no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
    sister a telegram to tell her the news.

    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
    to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her
    to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul
    it home."

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
    "It's just 99 cents a word."

    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
    realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

    After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send
    her the word, 'comfortable.'"

    The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
    that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out
    here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
    'comfortable'?"

    The sister explains, "She'll read it very slow."

  4. #684
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    An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,
    all on different limbs at different levels.

    Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

    The monkeys on top look down and see a tree
    full of smiling faces.

    The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
    nothing but *******s.

  5. #685
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    A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park
    when her dog was mounted from behind by a large
    Rottweiler. The Rottweiler was really humping away and
    the lady was frantically trying to break them up, but to
    no avail.

    A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the
    Rottweiler's butt, and the action immediately stopped.

    The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

    The little boy explained, "That's my dog. He can dish it
    out, but he can't take it!"

  6. #686
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    A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon
    could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one
    in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him,
    thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
    After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes
    to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his
    surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

    "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether
    it is a man's or a woman's."

    "You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a
    thing!

  7. #687
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    "If you're close enough to read this, you can see I look
    like a **** too."

    "Anthrax is coming out of my exhaust."

    "I've seen Thelma and Louise 431 times."

    "LOST: Nodding dog. If found please call 555 45754."

    "My other car is a.. I buy bumper stickers, do you really think
    I'm the type of person to have two cars."

    "Honk if you love The Golden Girls"

    "Most bumper stickers seem to actually be in the back window."

    "I am good fun, really. I just have to use a sticker to convey
    my wit and charm."

    "Honk if you're looking for a good time. Bachelor parties a
    specialty."

    "Support the Society Against Adhesives."

    "I'm legally blind."

    "Don't bother honking, I'm deaf too."

  8. #688
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    A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you
    your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

    "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
    card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

    "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

  9. #689
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    A young man was taking a verbal test to join
    the local police force.

    The question asked, "If you were driving a
    police car, alone on a lonely road at night,
    and were being chased by a gang of criminals
    driving sixty miles an hour, what would you
    do?"

    The young man answered without a second's
    thought: "Seventy!"

  10. #690
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    At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the
    infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her
    arms.
    The clerk explained that the device was out for
    repairs, but said that she would figure the
    infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby
    together on the adult scale, then weighing the
    mother alone and subtracting the second amount
    from the first.

    "It won't work," explained the blonde. "I'm not
    the mother, I'm the aunt."

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