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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #691
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    A husband and wife were shopping when the
    wife said, "Sweetheart, it's my mother's
    birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for
    her? She would like something electric."

    The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

  2. #692
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    Now that they are retired, my mother and father are
    discussing all aspects of their future.

    "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

    After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for
    a house-sharing situation with three other
    single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself,
    since she is so active for her age.

    Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

    He replied, "Probably the same thing."

  3. #693
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    The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early,
    went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in
    bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

    Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

    "Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

    "Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

  4. #694
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    Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

    There are two sides to every divorce - yours and ****head's.

    I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
    you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

    How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50
    for Miss America?

    Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
    section in a swimming pool?

    I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

  5. #695
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    <center>State of Origin Fan</center>

    A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NSW State of Origin fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are QLD State of Origin fans too. Not really knowing what a QLD State of Origin fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
    There is, however, one exception. Janet has not gone along with the crowd.
    The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
    "Because I'm not a QLD State of Origin fan," she answers.
    "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
    "I'm a NSW State of Origin fan" boasts the little girl.
    The teacher asks Janet why she is a NSW State of Origin fan.
    "Well, my Dad and Mum are NSW State of Origin fans, so I'm a NSW State of Origin fan too" she responds.
    "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

    Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a QLD State of Origin fan".
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #696
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    <center>World Cup Fever!!</center>

    A man had great tickets for the World Cup final Brazil V's Senegal.
    As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."
    "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the world cup final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
    "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
    The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  7. #697
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    The little boy was caught swearing by
    his teacher.

    "Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that
    kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

    "My daddy said it," he responded.

    "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained,
    "I don't want to hear that language in here
    again."

    After a moment, she thought she whispered
    aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it
    means."

    "I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the
    car won't start."

  8. #698
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    This Irishman is looking to buy a saw to cut
    down some trees in his backyard. He goes to
    a chainsaw shop and asks about various
    chainsaws.

    The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot
    of models, but why don't you save yourself
    a lot of time and aggravation and get the
    top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will
    cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one
    day."

    So, the Irishman takes the chainsaw home and
    begins working on the trees. After cutting
    for several hours and only cutting two cords,
    he decides to quit. He thinks there is
    something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can
    I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the
    Irishman asks himself. "I will begin first
    thing in the morning and cut all day," the
    Irishman tells himself.

    So, the next morning the Irishman gets up at
    4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and
    cuts till nightfall, and still he only
    manages to cut five cords.

    The Irishman is convinced this is a bad saw.
    "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred
    cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
    take this saw back to the dealer," the
    Irishman says to himself.

    The very next day the Irishman brings the
    saw back to the dealer and explains the
    problem. The dealer, baffled by the
    Irishman's claim, removes the chainsaw from
    the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks
    fine."

    Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to
    which the Irishman responds, "What's that
    noise?

  9. #699
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    The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do
    all the things around the house that he used
    to do. When the examination was complete, he
    said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in
    plain English what's wrong with me."

    "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,
    "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

    "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the
    medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

  10. #700
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    Morris wakes up in the morning.

    He has a massive hangover and can't remember
    anything he did last night. He picks up his
    bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He
    notices there's something in one of the pockets
    and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody
    hell what happened last night??"

    He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty
    in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks
    "what happened last night, what have I done?
    Must have been a wild party."

    He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a
    look in the mirror. He notices a little string
    hanging out of his mouth and his only thought
    is "Please, if there's a God, please let this
    be a teabag."

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