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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #701
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    Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

    "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

    "What for?" asked his colleague.

    "About $17,000."

    "What did he have?"

    "Oh... About $17,000."

  2. #702
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    Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, whose name was
    John. He would call out, "Here, John," and then bridle his horse.

    One day while going through this routine he said, "Here, John," and,
    to his surprise, the horse turned around and spoke. He said, "All
    these days you have walked in here and said, "Here, John," and I'm
    tired of it!"

    And with that, the horse named John took off running! Shocked, the
    owner took off running after the horse trying to catch it, and so did
    his dog. After awhile the man became tired and stopped to rest at the
    side of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as
    his dog, also breathless, sat down beside him. The man wondered aloud,

    "I ain't never heard a horse talk before!" "Me neither!" said the
    dog, gasping for air.

  3. #703
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    At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on
    the meaning of the word "service."
    The act of doing things for other people.
    Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service,
    Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations...

    And I became confused about the word "service."

    This is not what I thought "service" meant.
    Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one
    of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a
    few of his cows.

    SHAZAM!!

    It all came into perspective.
    Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are
    doing to us...

  4. #704
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    I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty
    girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling
    pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had
    just rated me a nine out of ten.

    "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they
    were speaking German."

  5. #705
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    A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
    and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a
    belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
    informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty
    to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
    could a cab be called for him?

    The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
    climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
    A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door
    of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The
    bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,
    refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
    offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a
    moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
    all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

    A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
    BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
    gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender
    comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is
    clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the
    police will be called immediately.

    The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
    anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

  6. #706
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    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
    waiting for the bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. > As the bus stopped
    and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too
    tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the
    bus. > Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
    reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give
    her enough slack.

    Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she
    still couldn't get on. > So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
    reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second
    time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could
    not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached
    behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take a step. > About
    this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily
    by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went
    ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled!! "How dare you
    touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" > The Texan smiled and
    brawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
    unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

  7. #707
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    The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some
    good news and some bad news."

    Dan said, "Give me the good news."

    "They're going to name a disease after you."

  8. #708
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    Love is holding hands in the street
    Marriage is holding arguments in the street

    Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant
    Marriage is Chinese take-out

    Love is cuddling on a sofa
    Marriage is deciding on a sofa

    Love is talking about having children
    Marriage is talking about getting away from children

    Love is going to bed early
    Marriage is going to sleep early

    Love is a romantic drive
    Marriage is a tarmac drive

    Love is losing your appetite
    Marriage is losing your figure

    Love is sweet nothings in the ear
    Marriage is sweet nothing's in the bank

    Love is a flickering flame
    Marriage is a flickering television

    Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
    Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

    (no wonder I'll never get married). :eek:

  9. #709
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    This old couple was sitting in their
    rocking chairs on the back porch when
    the old lady reached over and knocked
    the old man out of his chair.

    The old man got up, sat back down in
    his chair and said "What was that for?"

    The old lady said "That was for 50
    years of bad s3x."

    A couple minutes later the old man
    reached over and knocked the old lady
    out of her chair.

    She got up and said "What was that for?"

    "That's for knowing the difference."

  10. #710
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    My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a
    boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent
    most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my
    boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The tv set
    was old and would just shut itself off for no reason.
    I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would
    come back on, was no big deal to me.
    The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my
    son answered the door. At that time I was trying to
    get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if
    I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just
    in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

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