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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #711
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    Internet Cafe Fun

    Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell "I can't hear you!!! You're going to have to speak louder!"

    Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, "These new games are incredible!"

    Practice 'spinning mouse mat on index finger' globe trotter routine.

    Put your monitor's contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell "It's going to implode!"

    Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD's.

    Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, "STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS - IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!"

    Sit at the web terminal... without a chair.

    Wheel your leather executive chair into Internet cafe and up to the computer with the largest monitor. Sit down, turn to the person next to you handing them a stack of papers, "Get these photocopied right away, the president wants them by close of business today."

    Direct the web cam to your exposed erect ****.

    Casually look around the room for people in chat rooms, log into the same chat room and after a brief and somewhat disturbing conversation state "Your blue jeans go well with your white shirt."

    Use computers speakers to play collection of Sesame Street MP3's.

    Dress up in ragged and worn clothes. Walk into an Internet cafe that uses Windows with squeegee and bucket, begin to squeegee monitors for spare change.

    Draw two red lines on either end of the floor with a marker, recruit other interested racers and rev up your wheelie chairs.

    Turn off the lights and have a Star Wars light saber moment with your optical mouse. (Darth Vader sounds are encouraged for extra fun).

    Show up in hand cuffs and gagged mouth. Use foot to navigate mouse and visit 'escaping jail tutorial' web site.

    Put 1.44 disk in drive and have person next to you do the same. Place bets and EJECT - furthest disk is the winner!

    In the middle of writing an email, turn monitor of and sigh "Ahhh not again!!!", turn monitor back on and utter "Oh thank god!". Repeat until you see concerned faces.

  2. #712
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    Letter from the Tooth fairy

    Dear _________________,

    Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.

    While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

    ( ) the tooth could not be found

    ( ) it was not a human tooth

    ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

    ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

    ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

    ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

    ( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

    ( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action

    ( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy

    ( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

    ( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

    ( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

    ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit

    ( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

    ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

    [ ] string

    [ ] pliers

    [ ] gunpowder

    [ ] hammer marks

    [ ] chisel

    [ ] part of skull attached to tooth

    [ ] no dental care

    ( ) other reason

    Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

    Sincerely,



    The Tooth Fairy

  3. #713
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    After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...

    Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

    Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

    Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

    Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

    Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"

    Cat "Why are these people in my house?"

    Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."

    Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

    Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

    Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."

    Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."

    Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."

    Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

    Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these f*cking annoying wood chips.

    Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my ****! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

    Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"

    Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

    Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."

    Bunny "I wonder if she will notice I **** in her pillow case?"

  4. #714
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    Star Trek vs Microsoft



    Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

    Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

    Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

    Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

    Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

    Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

    Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

    Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

    ... 15 Minutes Later ...

    Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

    Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

    Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

    Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

    Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

    Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

    Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

    Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

    Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

    ... Two Hours Pass ...

    Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

    Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

    Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"

    Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

    Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

    Picard: "Identify."

    Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

    Over the speakers...
    "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

    Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

    Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

    Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

    Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"

    Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

    Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

    Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

    Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

    Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

    Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

  5. #715
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    Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

    Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

    Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

    Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

    Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

    Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

    Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

    Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

    Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

    Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

    Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

    Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
    this fascinating.

    Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

    Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

  6. #716
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    Well Kay, it's been a while getting around to it, but it certainly seems you have learned well:thumb:
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  7. #717
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    "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the
    policeman after pulling over a motorist.

    The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car
    and gave a long, painful groan.
    He seemed so upset that the cop was moved
    to ease up on him a bit.

    "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard.
    It isn't that serious."

    "It isn't?" cried the motorist.
    "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

  8. #718
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    1. CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY!
    Trespassers will be baptized!

    2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."

    3. "Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"

    4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-
    Robbins."

    5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands
    holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are
    inscribed and a headline that reads, -"For Fast Relief,
    Take Two Tablets."

    6. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in
    hot water before you know how strong they are."

    7. "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."

    8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

    9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-
    Smoking."

    10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."

    11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the
    hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement
    benefits are out of this world."

    12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the
    wages of sin."

    13. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God
    allows U-turns."

    14. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being
    born again."

    15. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to
    obtain eternal fire Insurance soon."

    16. "A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it.

    17. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

    18. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

  9. #719
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  10. #720
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan_Lander
    Oh, man, that was a good one, Kay!:thumb:
    Yes I liked that one too

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