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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #721
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    Good reasons to celebrate the end of the dot-com boom...

    1. Real-estate ads will stop saying, "Charming 900-square-foot fixer-upper is real bargain at $750,000."

    2. No more pretending you actually thought Business 2.0 was something you wanted to read.

    3. Your boss is older than you again.

    4. Streets are no longer blocked for weekly presidential visits.

    5. We never knew what to say at launch parties anyway. "Yeah, eYada.com sounds real viable to me."

    6. Capitalists need no longer be referred to as "angels."

    7. Your neighborhood dry cleaner and shoe repair shop are less likely to go out of business.

    8. The arugula shortage is over.

    9. College grads can be enthusiastic again about making $29K a year at a worthwhile nonprofit.

    10. We no longer have to see William Shatner reminding us, "You know what to do, dawg! Bust a mooooove."

    11. Elvis Costello should never have had to play parties where people were younger than the song "Alison."

    12. Super Bowl ads can go back to being frogs and "Wasssssup?" again.

    13. Children shouldn't own cell phones.

    14. The smug jerk who fired us six months ago is scanning name tags and handing out his résumé at pink-slip parties.

    15. Day traders can return to their original careers—Amway salesmen.

    16. We no longer have to abide by absurd company titles like "Chief Goatee Boy," "Chief Ponytail Guy" or the chipper/condescending "Office Mom."

    17. Dogs probably weren't really ever meant to come to work.

    18. Twenty-eight is too early for a midlife crisis.

    19. Independent bookstores will remain more than just places to browse for titles before buying online and will stop going out of business.

    20. Fewer coke-and-stripper binges means more time to work on tell-all memoir.

    21. Paying for one's own $7 beers functionally limits incipient alcoholism.

    22. Rats accustomed to foie gras leftovers are now dying out.

    23. A Foosball table is no longer considered office equipment.

    24. Now that portfolio's gone, no more annoying frantic margin calls from broker.

    25. We can say goodbye to a simplicity movement that confused cleaner closets with cleansing the soul.

    26. Lunch hour was meant for lunch, not yoga.

    27. We can find receptionists who speak in complete sentences, and use words like "please" and "yes."

    28. Dorky, geek eyewear has returned to its preboom status: dorky and geek.

    29. We no longer have to listen to: "You live on less than $90,000 a year? How do you do it?"

    30. The crash hit before "click-n-sniff" was perfected.

    31. With stocks as a bad conversational gambit, party chatter can return to its proper content—gossip, backbiting and rumor-mongering.

    32. Silicon Valley's aspiring trophy wives can now get a life. Or at least a job at the auto show.

    33. There are fewer clueless yuppies with purebred puppies pretending to be animal lovers in the park.

    34. No more stupid logos that resemble children's toys, animals, flying electrons or the Nike swoosh.

    35. We can look forward to dramatic TV programs about laid-off dotcommers looking for something emotional and human, with titles like My So-Called Stock Options, Offline, and Burnt Beyond Recognition.

    36. Fewer people from New York are moving here.

    37. Dumb ideas can die with the dignity of never being funded, instead of being pitched to pension funds as lucrative investments.

    38. We no longer have to dance under a cloud of the Clinique fragrance "Happy" in local clubs.

    39. Those of us who never bought in (and thought we missed out) can once again raise our heads with dignity.

    40. Starbucks can return to its status as the coffee belt for soccer moms, cops and professors, not aspiring entrepreneurs who can't afford office space.

    41. We've seen the last of incomprehensible dot-com advertisements for incomprehensible clients during the Super Bowl.

    42. Elegant restaurants can return to being a place for intimate gatherings between friends and lovers, not corporate hangouts for swarms of polo shirts trying to bond.

    43. Accepting all that customer-appreciation graft—the free dog food, the maps, $10-off certificates—made us feel kind of sordid anyway.

    44. Hello, grad school!

    45. No more dot-com nonsense on freeway billboards. They made even The Gap ads seem clever.

    46. We can book a room and a massage in the wine country without a yearlong wait.

    47. Lines at the coffeehouse no longer snake out the door because of people ordering 12-packs of double caramel macchiato, with whip.

    48. No more rants about "shallow Californians" from people who moved to California because they thought they could get rich quick.

    49. Experience and talent can once again mean something.

    50. All that shouting over cubicles, using excessive profanity and gorging on junk food didn't really reflect the company's mission statement.

    51. Webvan won't have to change its logo again and PacBell Park, thankfully, will have to replace its Webvan cupholders.

    52. Evening visits to supermarkets will replace chat rooms as the pickup spots of choice.

    53. Maybe San Francisco will get some of its soul back.

    54. Launch parties were becoming love-ins for former sorority sisters and frat boys.

    55. Teens with pink hair who listen to MP3s for a living no longer get paid more than the national median wage.

    56. Because an REI outfit doesn't go with an ROI discussion.

    57. We no longer have to see Whoopi Goldberg stumping for Flooz.com.

    58. The dotcom generation will have to retire at 60 after all—not 30.

    59. Grandparents will stop asking us about this "Internut mumbo jumbo."

    60. We might not have to wait a century or two for DSL installation.

    61. Job attention span for twentysomethings can pass four months.

    62. We don't have to put up with unsolicited career advice from recent high school grads who think the Ray of Light album is old-school Madonna.

    63. Too many intellectual property lawyers were being spawned.

    64. All of that free pizza and soft drink consumption was going to end up as a whopping Medicare bill around 2050 or so.

    65. There are fewer people in skin-tight Spandex on $7,000 bikes that they don't know how to ride.

    66. No more Solutions Architects.

    67. Smarmy landlords have to go groveling for tenants again and engage in the humiliating process of upgrading their property before charging exorbitant rents.

    68. Al Gore has stopped boasting that he invented the Internet.

    69. We can return to more aesthetic ballpark names like Candlestick and Fenway—and fewer like 3Com, PacBell, Network Associates and Compaq.

    70. There will be enough yellow beets and old vine zinfandel to go around at restaurants.

    71. People finally have been forced to trade their gas-guzzling, highway-hogging, rollover-happy SUVs for cars you can see past of when riding behind them.

    72. Money didn't buy refinement.

    73. Civil service employees can go back to surfing for porn on their work computers, instead of constantly checking their stocks on the Internet.

    74. Extraterrestrials will revert to visiting rural Midwesterners for attention, rather than wealthy young web CEOs.

    75. People finally agree that dropping out of college after reading HTML for Dummies wasn't such a good idea after all.

    76. Coming to a bookstore near you: Poverty for Dummies and Down and Out in Palo Alto.

    77. The .com TLD isn't tacked onto every company's name, regardless of its product or service.

    78. Slacker II.

    79. Humvee limos aren't parked in front of every nice restaurant on Friday night.

    80. Price/earnings ratios can orbit back from their parallel universe to the old textbook reality we know and love.

    81. Service workers under the age of 30 will actually show up for work again.

    82. Working at Lockheed has regained a measure of cachet.

    83. All those "Silicon" place names were monotonous and unimaginative. Silicon Alley? Silicon Forest? What was next? Silicon Bowery? Silicon Rockies?

    84. Kids will stop mistaking Bill Gates for the President of the United States.

    85. After two years of trying to hail a cab in San Francisco, you can actually get one.

    86. Silly topiary projects, untrimmed since the 2000 Q2 financials came out, are regaining their natural shape.

    87. Stupid people are no longer "visionary," now just plain stupid.

    88. You are finally able to determine who your real friends are. (Sorry, friend.)

    89. Wearing Armani to pick up your unemployment check makes welfare fashionable again.

    90. We're finally able to reach the eighth level of CoolBoarders.

    91. Unemployed guys + unemployed gals = great sympathy sex.

    92. A new last-hope website: Sparechange.com.

    93. Excessive, tasteless spending can go back to its proper domains: aging English rock stars and one-hit-wonder hip-hop artists.

    94. No more stock tips from the newspaper boy.

    95. Liquidation auctions feature excellent prices on Aeron chairs.

    96. We can wake up to alarm clock music again, not nail guns from a neighbor's monster home addition.

    97. Walking someone to the door will once again be considered a courteous gesture.

    98. An American Studies degree will no longer qualify one for employment at a high technology company.

    99. Just like they said about the '60s: It had to end sometime. Thank God.

    100. Psychiatrists are no longer suicidal from treating cases of "Sudden Wealth Syndrome."

  2. #722
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    Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

    1 star hangover *

    No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.



    2 star hangover **

    Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.



    3 star hangover ***

    Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.



    4 star hangover ****

    Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
    and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.



    5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

    You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

  3. #723
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    Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?

    1. Ask for last months specials.

    2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

    3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

    4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

    5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

    6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

    7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

    8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

    9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

    10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.

    11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.

    12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.

    13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.

    14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!

    15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having

    16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.

    17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.

    18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.

    19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.

    20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
    this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."

    21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.

    22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.

    23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.

    24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.

    25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.

  4. #724
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    An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the
    doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
    The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he
    hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter." The doctor said,
    "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How
    about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

    :thumb:
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  5. #725
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    Phrase Translations

    Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

    See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

    Stupid Man - Dum Gai

    Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

    Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!

    Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

    I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

    I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

    It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

    Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

    That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

    I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

    This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

    Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

    You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

    I got this for free - Ai No Pei

    I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

    Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

    Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao

    They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

    Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

    He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

    He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

  6. #726
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    Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his
    father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he
    looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc.
    He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my
    father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel
    "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist
    "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven,
    impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming
    toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little.
    "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

    "Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very
    curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

    "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails
    used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

    "FATHER!" Screams Jesus.

    "PINNOCHIO!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

  7. #727
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    Salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Air-bag.

    I said, "No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law."

  8. #728
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    How to Please Your I.T. Department

    01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

    02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

    03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

    04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

    05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

    06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

    07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

    08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

    09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

    10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

    11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

    12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

    13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

    14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

    15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

  9. #729
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    A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting
    in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what
    most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the
    cows and their wives.

    They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither
    were their comments. Every day they said pretty much
    the same thing.

    And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had
    the worst wife.

    Today though something was different. There was a wise
    looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They
    decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

    The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always
    arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always
    said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she
    said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

    The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If
    your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

    Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

    The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her
    mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

    The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we
    haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near
    twenty years."

    The chief again listened attentively and pronounced
    Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

    When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to
    touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a
    dragon and bite your head off."

    Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new
    names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are
    pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?"

    The chief replied, "I do."

    Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

    The chief replied something along the lines of
    "Whumpo Havo Noja"

    Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the
    chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it
    translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

    More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but
    what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?

    The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said ,
    "Nag, Nag, Nag."

  10. #730
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    She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing
    with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.

    He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?

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