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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #731
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    This guy was looking at TV as his wife was out cutting the
    grass during the hot summer and he went out to ask his
    wife what was for supper.

    Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in
    the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in
    the tight spandex, doing their exercises, so she shot back
    at him "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I
    was"

    so he went back in the house and fixed him a big steak,
    potato and a big glass of tea. She walked in about the time
    he was finishing up and asked him "So you fixed something
    to eat? Where is mine?"

    To which he answered "I thought you were dead...."

  2. #732
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    Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
    A. Tell her to start on the floors.

    Q. Do you mind if I smoke?
    A. I don't care if you burst into flames and die.

    Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the *****, I mean ladder.

    Q. What's green and eats nuts?
    A. Gonorrhea

    Q. How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
    A. Not even the pool table has balls.

    Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer
    salesman?
    A. The car salesman can probably drive!

  3. #733
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    A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?". Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

    "Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

  4. #734
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    A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

  5. #735
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    An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

  6. #736
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    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated
    doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

    "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

  7. #737
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    "In a survey, 80 percent of women thought
    that their ass was too fat,

    15 percent said their ass was too thin
    and the other five percent said they
    didn't care - they would have married
    him anyway!"

  8. #738
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    A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.
    For some reason the mother was unusually
    quiet. Finally the husband asked what was
    wrong.

    "Nothing," said the woman.

    Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously,
    what's wrong?"

    "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll
    tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed
    the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day,
    you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

    "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15
    years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

    "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

  9. #739
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    Proper Diskette Care instruction guide...

    Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

    Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

    Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

    Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

    Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes
    before inserting them into the drive.

    Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

    If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

    Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

    Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

  10. #740
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    Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for
    writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second
    line.

    Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty & so is your head.

    After you, my love, my only prize
    Would be a bullet between the eyes.

    Of loving beauty you float with grace
    If only you could hide your face.

    I thought that I could love no other
    Until, that is, I met your brother.

    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
    This describes everything you're not.

    I want to feel your sweet embrace
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.

    I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .
    .. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

    Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space.

    I saw your face as you walked by
    But then I saw a better guy.

    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you screwed up my life.

    Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
    If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.

    What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

    I see your face when I am dreaming
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

    My love you take my breath away
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

    My feelings for you no words can tell
    Except for maybe "go to hell."

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