Please report all spam threads, posts and suspicious members. We receive spam notifications and will take immediate action!
Page 75 of 157 FirstFirst ... 2565737475767785125 ... LastLast
Results 741 to 750 of 1561

Thread: Jokes.




  1. #741
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having
    a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of
    of the actress Sharon Stone.'

    "I say she`s highly over-rated," said one "Take
    away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure,
    and what have you got?"

    "My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.

  2. #742
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>Two Old Ladies</center>

    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
    One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
    The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
    The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
    The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
    After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #743
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>An Old Lady And Her Hat</center>

    An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
    A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
    "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
    "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #744
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>Three Old Ladies</center>

    Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
    The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
    The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
    The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #745
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>Ethal and Mabel</center>

    Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about.
    Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".
    Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm".
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #746
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>Four Men Go Fishing</center>

    Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
    conversation took place:

    First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
    fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

    Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
    build her a new deck for the pool."

    Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

    They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

    Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  7. #747
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    6,297

    Default

    A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

    "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

    "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

    "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

    "Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

  8. #748
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
    appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
    However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
    hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the
    doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to
    pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was
    making him so uncomfortable.

    Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
    adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large
    black letters was the sentence.

    "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last
    week."

  9. #749
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    6,297

    Default

    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

    "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

  10. #750
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book
    stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman
    asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase.
    The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and
    said, "That book is one dollar, sir."

    The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price.
    The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was
    one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts
    to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on
    speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

    Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and
    the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"

    Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."

    The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said
    it was a dollar."

    Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was
    a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •