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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #751
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    It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking
    up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He
    looks into his small bowl. It's empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he
    squeaks.

    Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
    big bowl. It's also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

    Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
    screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
    I haven't made the damn porridge yet!"

  2. #752
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    A Microsoft Resteraunt

    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support

    Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Patron: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

    Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

    Waiter leaves.

    Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

    The check:


    Soup of the Day $5.00
    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
    Access to Support $1.00
    TOTAL $8.50 + tax

  3. #753
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    <center>Arab Terrorists!</center>

    Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide? Let's see now:

    * No premarital sex.
    * No booze.
    * No bars.
    * No television.
    * No Internet.
    * No organized sports, stadiums, parties.
    * No cleavages.
    * No pork.
    * Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight. Ever try to fish at an oasis?
    * Rags for clothes and hats.
    * Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your bum only with your left. Like life isn't complicated enough already.
    * Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors.
    * No country music. No radio.
    * You can't shave. You can't shower.
    * Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
    * The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
    * Your bride is picked by someone else.

    Then they tell you that when you die it all becomes wonderful. Who wouldn't go for it ? :rolleyes2
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #754
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    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

    Scroll down for the answer...











    The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

    Men keep'a scrollin'...











    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

  5. #755
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    A realty salesman had just closed his first
    deal, only to discover that the piece of
    land he had sold was completely under water.

    "That customer's going to come back here
    pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I
    give him his money back?"

    "Money back? Are you crazy???" roared the
    boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get
    out there and sell him a houseboat."

  6. #756
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    Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating
    old movie film. One goat says to the other,

    "Pretty good, huh?"

    The second goat says, "Yeah, . . . but it's
    not as good as the book."

  7. #757
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    These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK

    1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
    burnt my knob off.

    2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
    when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
    against my fence.

    4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside
    toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that
    blew them off.

    5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
    the wall.

    6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
    tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

    7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50%
    of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest
    are plain filthy.

    8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
    is cleared.

    9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
    colour and not fit to drink.

    10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
    pieces.

    11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
    morning at 6:00am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too
    much for me.

    12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which
    is unsightly and dangerous.

    13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and
    would like a third so please send someone round to do something
    about it.

    14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
    please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top
    of me every night.

    15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
    satisfy my wife.

    16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times
    but I still have had no satisfaction.

    17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
    passage has fungus in it.

    18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
    just can't take it any more.

  8. #758
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    ROFLMAO good one Sis

  9. #759
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    How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

    None; they just make darkness the new standard.
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  10. #760
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    long time since you posted in the jokes section Mr C

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