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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #771
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    The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

    As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones.

    Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"


    !

  2. #772
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    Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?

    A. The car salesman can probably drive

  3. #773
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    "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
    employees. "Yes sir," the employee replied.

    "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went
    on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's
    funeral, she stopped in to see you."
    New rig
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  4. #774
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    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a
    female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette,
    "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

    So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette
    gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde
    goes home to find her husband having it off with the female boss! She
    quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

    "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

    "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!!"
    New rig
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    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  5. #775
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    Mans Invention to cause women pain i give you the MAMMOGRAM

    Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!



    Exercise 1

    Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.



    Exercise 2

    Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.



    Exercise 3

    Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!



    CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!

  6. #776
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    During an Army war game, a Commanding Officer's (CO) jeep got
    stuck in the mud. The CO saw some men lounging aroud nearby and
    asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry, sir," said one of the
    loafers, "but we've been classified dead, and the umpire said we
    couldn't contribute in any way."

    The CO turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a coulple of those
    dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us
    some traction."
    New rig
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    LG FLATRON F700B
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  7. #777
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    COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR STUDENT ATHLETES

    Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

    1. What language is spoken in France?

    2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

    3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

    ____ (a) build a bridge
    ____ (b) sail the ocean
    ____ (c) lead an army or
    ____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

    4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
    ____ (a) Jewish
    ____ (b) Catholic
    ____ (c) Hindu
    ____ (d) Polish
    ____ (e) Agnostic

    5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

    6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

    7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

    8. What are people in America's far north called?
    ____ (a) Westerners
    ____ (b) Southerners
    ____ (c) Northerners

    9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

    Bush: __________________________
    Carter: __________________________
    Clinton: __________________________

    10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

    11. Where does rain come from?
    ____ (a) Macy's
    ____ (b) Kmart
    ____ (c) Canada
    ____ (d) the sky

    12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    ____ (a) yes
    ____ (b) no

    13. What are coat hangers used for?

    14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

    15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

    16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

    17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    ____ (a) New York
    ____ (b) Florida
    ____ (c) Canada
    ____ (d) Wisconsin

    18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

    19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

    20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    ____ (a) B.C
    ____ (b) A.D.

    Signed _______________________

  8. #778
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    Boyfriend 1.0

    Last year a friend of mine installed BoyFriend 6.0. While this program did not come with an uninstaller it seemed to have a time-out feature and would eventually totally disappear. If she wished to continue running BoyFriend 6.0 she had to reinstall it. She upgraded to Husband 1.0 which retains all of the features of BoyFriend 6.0 and doesn't seem to uninstall itself as frequently. No other advantages to upgrading are apparent.

    She has been experimenting with the various add-on modules available for Husband 1.0 . Most recently she has installed MowLawn 1.2 and YardWork2.0 which she downloaded from the Internet at a freeware site. As frequently happens with freeware the add-ons would start running but then required at least six additional plug-in modules loaded of Miller 1.1 through Miller 1.6. Substitutions of the Miller 1.x series of plug-ins can be made interchangeably with Coors 1.x, Budweiser 2.x, or Sam Adams 1.x. No significant difference in run time has been noted. Extending the series of Miller 1.x much beyond 1.6, while possible, seemed to affect the accuracy of MowLawn 1.2 and YardWork2.0 and becomes counterproductive. Eventually they cause Husband 1.0 to crash requiring a system shut down. Once crashed even re-booting usually will not restart Husband 1.0 until the next day.

    The Husband 1.0 will not run at all on Sundays with out the liberal seasonable use of Football 3.0, Basketball 2.0, Baseball 1.5, or Hockey 2.5. Once one of these are running Husband 1.0 keeps requesting additional installations of Coors 1.x, Budweiser 2.x, or Sam Adams 1.x plus assorted plug-ins of FOOD 3.x. This seems to occupy the Husband 1.0 exclusively and no additional features can be accessed or run.

    She occasionally runs Husband 1.0 with the Theater 4.0 module and, while it does run, Husband 1.0 will complain of run-time, lack of resources, and will run sluggishly. If it seems to stop (energy save mode) it can be restarted with a "warm boot". The "warm boot" can cause momentary confusion and cause Husband 1.0 to then request the score. Comment: None of these problems are apparent if she uses action plug-ins such as UnderSiege 2.0 or DieHard 3.0. She gets similar performance from running BoyFriend 6.0 with Shopping 3.5 unless she uses the plug-ins for Sears 2.4 and HomeDepot 1.7.

    Many times she reevaluates the need for Husband 1.0 or even BoyFriend 6.0. She considers the running difficulties, occasional unreliability, complaints of low system resources; and constant demands for care/attention. She wonders why she doesn't just let it stay uninstalled and maybe she would if it wasn't for the way BoyFriend 6.0 or Husband 1.0 ran with Love 1.0.

  9. #779
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    Girlfriend 1.0


    I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.


    I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.


    I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.


    The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."


    A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.


    Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.


    I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

  10. #780
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    Jul 2002
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    Blonde Lists

    I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
    - she called me to get my phone number.
    - she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
    - she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
    - she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
    - she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
    - she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
    - she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
    - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
    - she tried to drown a fish.
    - she thought a quarterback was a refund.
    - she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
    - if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
    - they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
    - under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
    - she tripped over a cordless phone.
    - she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
    - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."
    - she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
    - it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
    - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
    - she studied for a blood test.
    - she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
    - she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
    - she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
    - she sold the car for gas money.
    - when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
    - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
    - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
    - when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
    - when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

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