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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #781
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    As we "celebrate" the first 25 years of Microsoft, we take a look ahead at what the future holds for the next 25 years at Microsoft...

    2001 .NET system goes online, human decisions are removed from the office environment.

    2001 2:14am, August 29th, .NET become self-aware, corporations try to pull the plug but it's too late, .NET strikes back.

    2002 Internet Explorer 6.0 for Windows released.

    2004 Supreme Court rules to break up Microsoft.

    2005 President Gates disbands Supreme Court, orders break up of Sun Microsystems, IBM and Oracle.

    2006 Windows 2004 released.

    2007 Microsoft purchases Napster-Disney-Cisco-Coke-Ford-Avis to compete with Oracle-AOL-3Com-Pepsi-GM-Hertz and GE.

    2008 Windows NT 4.0 Service Pack 84 released.

    2009 Gates' second term as President begins.

    2010 Microsoft Office surpasses the 18 Terabyte mark.

    2012 Windows 2010 Service Pack 1 released.

    2013 Windows 2010 released.

    2015 Microsoft releases Internet Explorer 6.0 for Apple Macintosh.

    2016 Microsoft enhances their only innovation by introducing the "Red Screen of Death."

    2020 Bill Gates purchases Linus Torvalds.

    2021 Researchers develop first crash-proof operating system, then destroy it. They are just that evil.

    2024 Microsoft genetic engineers realize Bill Gates' childhood dream and develop the first talking rabbit.

    2025 A reunited Backstreet Boys perform at the 50th anniversary of the founding of Microsoft.

  2. #782
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    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
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    21,907

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    A jump-lead walks into a bar.
    The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    A sandwich walks into a bar.
    The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and ays: "Pint please, and one for the road."

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
    Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
    The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    <center>-------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
    "No, because he's really heavy"

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
    And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    It's either my mum or my dad.
    Or my older brother Colin.
    Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
    But I think it's Colin.

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
    And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

    <center>---------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

    <center>--------------------------------------------------------------------</center>

    A man walks into doctor's office.
    "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
    "It's... um...well... I have five *****es." replies the man.
    "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
    "Like a glove."
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  3. #783
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    An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in
    a bikini -
    "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

    "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
    says.

    "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED
    DOLLARS" he stated.

    "NO! Get away from me!"

    "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

    She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and
    said, "I said NO!"

    "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he
    claimed.

    She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and
    $500 IS a lot of money....

    "Well, OK...but only for a minute."

    She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on
    the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then
    he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..."
    while he was caressing them.

    Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my
    god, oh my god'?"

    While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH
    MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get
    five hundred dollars?
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  4. #784
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    Practice safe fax

    Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
    A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

    Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
    A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

    Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
    A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

    Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
    A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

    Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
    A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

    Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
    A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

    Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
    A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

    Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
    A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

    Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
    A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

    Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
    A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

  5. #785
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    Nov 2001
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    Satanic Starbucks

    A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
    The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

    The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

    The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

    The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

  6. #786
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    Nov 2001
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    Pearly Gates

    Three guys were at the Pearly Gates when Peter answered. He said there was one space open for someone. He asked them how they died.
    "I came home one day and saw my wife in bed, naked. I looked all over the house and decided to check the balcony. I saw some fingers so I took a hammer and hit his fingers but a bush broke his fall so I took my fridge and threw it on him. But I felt so bad for killing a man that I killed myself."

    "I was painting on the 37th floor, when I slipped and fell. I was holding on to a balcony, when some guy hit me on the fingers with a hammer so I fell, and then dropped a fridge on me."

    "I was hiding innnocently in the fridge."

  7. #787
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    Nov 2001
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    Clinton Poll

    Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!

    5% No
    3% Yes
    92% Never Again

  8. #788
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    A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw.
    He sees another man on the 1st floor who he knows has one to spare.
    He yells down to him, but he can't hear,
    so he does sign language. To do
    sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning "I", and moves his hand back and forth in a
    handsaw motion.
    The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts
    masturbating
    The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the1st
    floor and says, "What the heck is wrong with you, dumb ass? I said I need a
    handsaw!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you
    I'm coming."
    Cameron "Mr.Tweak" Wilmot
    Managing Director
    Tweak Town Pty Ltd

  9. #789
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    I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car
    windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air.
    She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to
    impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to
    the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
    emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

    The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't
    know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually
    just put my car in park."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  10. #790
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    A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
    and asked what his future holds. His personal
    psychic advisor tells him: "You are going to
    meet a beautiful young girl who will want to
    know everything about you."

    The frog is delighted with this news,

    "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
    he croaks.

    "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

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