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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #71
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    An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes
    to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
    He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
    'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
    'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
    'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
    'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
    'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
    'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'
    'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
    'Oh,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'
    'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
    'Hmmm, anything else?'
    'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
    'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
    Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says,
    'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $30 back, now f*** off.'

  2. #72
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    25 children's books you'll never see:

    1. You are different and that's bad.

    2. Pop goes the hamster. . . and other great microwave games.

    3. Testing homemade parachutes using only your household pets. . .

    4. Barbar meets the Taxidermist.

    5. Curious George and the high-voltage fence.

    6. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

    7. Start a real estate empire with the change from your mum's purse.

    8. Daddy's new wife Timothy.

    9. The pop-up book of human anatomy.

    10. Things rich kids have, but you never will.

    11. The Care Bears maul some campers and are shot dead.

    12. How to become the dominant military power in your elementary school.

    13. Controlling the playground: Respect through fear.

    14. You were an accident.

    15. Strangers have the best sweets.

    16. The Little Sissy who snitched.

    17. Some kittens can fly!

    18. Getting more chocolate on your face.

    19. Kathy was so bad her mum stopped loving her.

    20. The kids' guide to hitchhiking.

    21. When Mummy and Daddy don't know the answer, they say God did it.

    22. Garfield gets feline leukemia.

    23. Why can't Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet befriends?

    24. Bi-curious George.

    25. Daddy drinks because you cry.

  3. #73
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    A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a
    nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he
    noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than
    his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son,
    "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

    The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the
    ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the
    men have larger members than his dad. His mother
    replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person
    is."

    Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to
    the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned
    again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking
    to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he
    talks, the dumber he gets."

  4. #74
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    Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man
    in a three-piece suit.

    "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

    "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

    And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

    "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young
    attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

    "Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

    But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
    other woman's daughter marry him."

    The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must
    marry the first lady's daughter."

    "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

    "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-
    in-law."

  5. #75
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    There were three people sitting at a bar. An Englishman, a Canadian
    and an Australian. The Englishman boasted that in England that after 3 beer
    you get your fourth one free. Not to be out done the Canadian responded
    that in Canada after your first beer the second was free and after your third
    beer the fourth was free. The Aussie then in a proud voice said that in
    Australia the first five beer were free and you get laid after as well.
    The Canadian and Englishman couldn't believe the Aussie so they asked if it
    had ever happened to him. After some time the Australian admitted that he
    hadn't experienced this but assured the Canadian and Englishman that
    his sister had every weekend that she went out.

  6. #76
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    An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star
    hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his
    wife asks,
    'Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?'
    The man says, 'My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!'
    Further down the road the wife says, 'Look, another one!' and
    husband says, 'Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to
    the hotel.'
    They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden
    leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in
    and says, 'Look we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5
    star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we
    come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on,
    recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only
    to find a man with one leg, one wooden leg, masturbating on your
    steps. Well, what do you have to say about that!?'
    The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden
    leg to catch his own kangaroo?'

  7. #77
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    An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of
    golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking
    around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in
    a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the
    ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she
    wasn't wearing any knickers!
    The Englishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
    for her state of undress.
    "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
    I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
    The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said,
    "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get
    some knickers."
    Two holes further along, the Irishman's wife caught her foot
    on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground.
    Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she
    wasn't wearing any knickers either!
    The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
    for her state of undress.
    "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
    I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
    With that, the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and
    said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some
    knickers."
    Three holes further on, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot
    on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt
    over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers!
    The Scotsman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
    for her state of undress.
    "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
    I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
    The Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
    "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a
    bit."

  8. #78
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    A Kiwi (ie New-Zealander), a sheep, and a dog were
    survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
    They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there
    awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to
    watch the sun go down.
    One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful
    cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
    romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
    to the kiwi.
    Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog
    got jealous, growling fiercely until the kiwi took his arm from around the
    sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
    together, but there was no more cuddling.
    A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was
    another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the
    most beautiful woman the kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way
    when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
    When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
    evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus
    clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
    Pretty soon, the kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought
    them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously
    leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear..."Would you
    mind taking the dog for a walk?"

  9. #79
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    KIWI-ESE.....An Introductory Language Lesson
    Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they're saying, just by following these easy steps,you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
    What you hear and What it really means:
    A MEDGEN: Visualise, Conjure up mentally, John Lennon's first solo Album "Imagine" as it was a Bug Hut in the "Land of the Long White Cloud"
    BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by "Betsmen" in "Crucket"
    BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "Nick" and the "Billy"
    BUGGER: As in "Mine is bugger then yours"
    CHULLY BUN: "Chilly Bin" also known as an ESKY.
    COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian Cricket team resigned tearfully in favour of Allan Border. "Come" insisted that all deliveries be overarm. Full Name: Kimberley John Hughes.
    DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in Democracy.
    ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" & "Libernon"
    EKKA DYMOCKS: University Staff
    GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves
    CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.
    SENDLES: Sandals, Thongs & open shoes.
    COLOUR: Terminator; violent forecloser of human life.
    CUSS: Kiss
    DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at Males.
    PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse christened "Phillip" but was incorrectly written down as "Phar Lap" by an Australian (Racing official who was not well versed in KIWIESE)
    DUNNESTY: US Television soap opera starred Joan Collins as "Elixirs Kerrungton"
    ERROR ROUTE: Arnott's famous oval shaped "mulk error route buskets"
    FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with "Rugger Tony" or "Tell ya, Tilly".

    Just to be fair here are some translations from English to the
    somewhat limited dialect of Australia known as "Ockerese"
    Friend - Mate
    Wife - Mate
    Dog - Mate
    Someone who's name you can't remember - Mate
    Lunch - XXXX
    a romantic dinner for 2 - a barbie
    a romantic dinner for 200 - a barbie

  10. #80
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    BENEFITS OF BEING FEMALE
    We got off the Titanic first.
    We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
    We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we crash our computers.
    Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
    We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
    We can cry and get off speeding fines.
    We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
    Taxis stop for us.
    Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
    We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
    Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
    We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE are gay. We know The Truth about whether size matters.
    New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
    If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
    Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
    Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep (Ouch!).
    It's possible to live our whole lives without taking a group shower.
    No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
    We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
    If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
    If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
    We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
    If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
    We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
    If we're dumb, some people will still find it cute.
    We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to socially fit in.
    We have the ability to dress ourselves - and coordinate.
    We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
    Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
    There are times when chocolate really can solve your problems. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
    We'll never regret piercing our ears.
    We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
    When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
    We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
    If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

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