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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #791
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    An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
    "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren.
    I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and
    made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them... Twice !" The priest
    said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
    "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm
    telling everybody!"
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  2. #792
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    A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation
    stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group
    and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While
    he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

    "For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it
    be sire?"

    The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a
    job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

    "Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"
    New rig
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  3. #793
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    The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold
    on Bill, and after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed
    mindlessly in a soft chair next to the stereo, with a stiff
    drink in his hand. His wife knew nothing of his nervous state,
    and she climbed onto his lap with the thought of trying to
    wheedle a fur cot out of him, and snuggled and murmured and
    fondled.

    "Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get
    enough of this at the office."
    New rig
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    GeForce4 MX440
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    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  4. #794
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    Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake

    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

    Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

  5. #795
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    Winter Lovers

    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“'Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”

  6. #796
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    Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker


    1. Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

    2. Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

    3.When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

    4.Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

    5.Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

    6.Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."

    7.Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

    8.Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
    9.Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President."

    10.You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science

  7. #797
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    A well-known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

    When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

  8. #798
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    This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks.
    One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on
    the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

    The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people
    about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't
    mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the
    guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left
    on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an
    awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some
    conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck:

    "Huey" said the first duck.

    "How's your day been, Huey?"

    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".

    "Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

    Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?".

    "Dewey" came the answer.

    "So how's your day been, Dewey?".

    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
    day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

    So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you
    must be Louie".

    "No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't
    ask about my &¤&%&! day!"
    New rig
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    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
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    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  9. #799
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    Life's Reflections

    1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
    2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

    3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

    4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

    5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

    6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

    7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

    8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

  10. #800
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    Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
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    Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

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