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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #801
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    Nov 2001
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    Gee Bern, It's good to see you outside the "Other OS" Forum:thumb:
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  2. #802
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    I drop in every now and then :D

  3. #803
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    Make it a bit more often Bern.........and don't forget more photos.................back view preferably :lips:

  4. #804
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    <center>Austin Power's Pickup Lines</center>

    1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

    2) (Lick finger and wipe on her blouse) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.

    3) Nice legs... What time do they open?

    4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

    5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

    6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

    8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

    9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

    10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.

    11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

    12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

    13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

    14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

    15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

    16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

    17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

    18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?

    19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

    20) My name is Austin...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

    21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

    22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

    23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

    24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

    25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them.
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  5. #805
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    "That ******* husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
    because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told
    a neighbour.
    "You didn't do it, did you?" the neighbour asked.
    "I have to admit I did though with certain misgivings, I might
    add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is
    paid up for six months!"

  6. #806
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    One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above
    a river,his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God
    appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
    The woodcutter told Him that his axe has fallen into water.
    God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
    " Is this your axe?", God asked.
    The woodcutter said "No".
    God again went down and came up with a silver axe."
    "Is this your axe?", God asked.
    The wood cutter said "No".
    God went down again and came up with an iron axe.
    "Is this your axe?" God asked.
    The wood cutter said "Yes".
    God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him
    all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happily.

    One day while he was walking with his wife along the
    river, his wife fell into the river.
    When he began crying, God appeared and asked him,
    "Why are you crying?"
    "My wife has fallen into water."
    God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer
    Lopez. "Is this your wife?", God asked.
    "Yes", he said.
    God was furious. "You cheat! I will curse you......", God scolded.
    He quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord. It is an misunderstanding.
    If I say "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine
    Zeta Jones. If I also say "No" to her, you will finally come up
    with my wife and I will say "Yes". Then you will give all the
    three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after
    all the three. So that's why I've to say "Yes".

  7. #807
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    1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
    states she was very hot in bed last night.
    2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
    over a year.
    3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
    day it disappeared.
    4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
    appears to be depressed.
    5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
    in 1993.
    6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
    7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally
    alert but forgetful.
    8. The patient refused autopsy.
    9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
    10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
    11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
    insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the
    past three days.
    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
    13. She is numb from her toes down.
    14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
    15. The skin was moist and dry.
    16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
    17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
    18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
    19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
    life until she got a divorce.
    20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
    physical therapy.
    21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
    accommodation.
    22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
    23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
    24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
    took a job as a stock broker instead.
    25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
    26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
    27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
    we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
    28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
    29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
    abnormalities.

  8. #808
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    Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the
    woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her,
    "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
    The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
    failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that
    whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

    The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to
    be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
    husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will
    flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the
    most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, *POOF*,
    she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
    world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,
    "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.
    "So, *POOF*, she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then
    inquired about her third wish and she answered,
    "I'd like a mild heart attack."

  9. #809
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    Jul 2002
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    :cool: Does anyone have access to the article on the 100 reasons why a cucumber is better than a man?

  10. #810
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    6,297

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    Please give us the link Drpeterbright :devil win

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