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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #811
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    A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
    an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
    next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but
    I have some bad news, the donkey died."

    Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

    The farmer said, "Can't do that, I went and spent it already."

    Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."

    The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

    Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off ."

    Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

    Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is
    dead."

    A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
    happened with that dead donkey?"

    Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
    piece and made a profit of $898."

    Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

    Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
    back."

    Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

  2. #812
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    At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
    "Invite us to your next blowout."


    Door of a plastic surgeons office:
    "Hello, can we pick your nose?"


    At a Towing Company:
    "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


    Billboard on the side of the road:
    "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."


    In a Podiatrist's office:
    "Time wounds all heels."


    On a Butchers window:
    "Let me meat your needs."


    On a desk in a reception room:
    "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."


    At the Electric Company:
    "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
    However, if you don't you will be."


    Inside a Bowling Alley:
    "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."


    In the front yard of a funeral home:
    "Drive carefully, we'll wait."


    In a counselors office:
    "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

  3. #813
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    <center>3 Golfers And Their Wives</center>

    An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.

    The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
    "Good God !! why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
    "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".
    The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear"

    Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
    Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman !! You've no knickers ---- why not?"
    She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me" He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear! "

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, Lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"
    She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any"
    The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a COMB, tidy yourself up a bit !"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #814
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    Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
    So they went home.

  5. #815
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    Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
    Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
    Wife: You wear shorts!

  6. #816
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    Husbands are like children -- they're fine
    if they're someone else's.

    Never trust a man who says he's the boss at
    home. He probably lies about other things too.

    A woman's work that is never done is the
    stuff she asked her husband to do.

    Go for younger men. You might as well --
    they never mature anyway.

    Scientists have just discovered something
    that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

    Men's brains are like the prison system --
    not enough cells per man.

  7. #817
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    A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat
    next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance,
    then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

    "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch
    and I was just testing it."

    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
    special about it?"

    "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

    "What's it telling you now?"

    "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

    The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then
    because I am wearing panties!"

    The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

  8. #818
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    10. I need to whip it out by 5.

    9. Mind if I use your laptop?

    8. Just stick it in my box.

    7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

    6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

    5. HMMMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!

    4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

    3. It's an entry level position.

    2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?


    And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office it isn't:

    1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

  9. #819
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    10. Have you looked through her briefs?

    9. He is one hard judge!

    8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

    7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

    6. Is it a penal offense?

    5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

    4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

    3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

    2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.


    And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in law isn't:

    1. Think you can get me off?

  10. #820
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    1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans

    2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money

    3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex

    4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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