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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #831
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    Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

    She went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when she
    returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets
    had been installed.

    A few days later a neighbour came over to visit and after
    admiring the new cabinets, the neighbour added, "All of us were
    so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was
    confined to the kitchen."

  2. #832
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    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you *******s who
    want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you *******s who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just Boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. As the mother began to smile, the child added,
    "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."

  3. #833
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    The married business executive had to make a trip to
    Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was
    enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week
    as part of his vacation.

    Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he sent
    an email to his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun
    week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

    His friend was quick to email back: "Your wife and I
    arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

  4. #834
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    The Pope is visiting town and all the residents
    are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes.

    Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a
    personal blessing from the Pope. One local
    man has put on his best suit and he's sure the
    Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing
    next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking
    bum who doesn't smell very good.

    As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and
    says something to the bum and then walks right
    by the local man. He can't believe it, then
    it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's
    concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor
    and and feeble ones.

    Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade
    clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing
    and runs down the street to line up for another
    chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him.

    Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him
    this time, leans over close and says "I thought
    I told you to get the hell out of here!"

  5. #835
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    How do you know when you didn't get the best lawer?

    His diploma is proudly hung next to one of those singing fish.

  6. #836
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    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at
    the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
    they would each have to answer one question.

    St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship
    that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

    The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him
    through the gate.

    St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really*
    need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the
    question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

    Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he
    answered.

    "That's right! You may enter."

    St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

  7. #837
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    This guy went to hospital for a circumcision,
    but because of a mix up, he ended up having
    a complete sex change.

    All of the doctors and nurses had gathered
    around his bed as he was waking up so they
    could give him the bad news.

    Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and
    started crying when they explained what had
    happened to him.

    "Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never
    be able to experience an er*ction ever again!"

    "Of course you will," one of the doctors
    soothed. "It'll just have to be someone
    else's, that's all."

  8. #838
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    WS - That's quite some avatar you now have.

  9. #839
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    It's an old one I used to use, just brought it back to life :D

  10. #840
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    WS - It brings other things back to life too.

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