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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #841
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    LMAO.....will change to the other one I have up my sleeve. :D

  2. #842
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    :D That's not bad either.

  3. #843
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    When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate
    wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs.
    O'Leary called the undertaker aside for
    a private little talk.

    "Please be sure to fasten his toupee to
    his head very securely. No one but I knew
    he was bald," she confided, "and he'd
    never rest in peace if anyone found out
    at this point. Our friends from the old
    country are sure to hold his hands and
    touch his head before they're through
    paying their last respects."

    "Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted
    the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that
    toupee will never come off."

    Sure enough, the day of the wake the old
    timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite
    a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly
    in place. At the end of the day a delighted
    Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an
    extra thousand dollars for handling the
    matter so professionally.

    "Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your
    money," protested the undertaker.
    "After all...what's a few nails?"

  4. #844
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    1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

    2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

    3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
    Woman: "No thanks. There's already one ******* in there."

    4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
    Woman: "No, thank you."
    Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

    5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."
    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

    6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "Female impersonator.

    7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"

    8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with
    "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and
    said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

    9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances
    at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at
    him, "What are you looking at?"
    His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking.
    Man, was he was mistaken!"

    10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

    11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the
    same reason!"
    Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

  5. #845
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    Those were perfect for me to take to work. Post some more like that please.

  6. #846
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    Yes, more please! :devil:
    Cameron "Mr.Tweak" Wilmot
    Managing Director
    Tweak Town Pty Ltd

  7. #847
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    A young woman was having a physical examination and was very
    embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her
    last bit of clothing, she blushed.

    "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said.

    "I guess I let myself go."

    The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss.
    You don't look that bad."

    "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

    The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and
    said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

  8. #848
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    After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an
    enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

    Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in
    the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many
    products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and
    paper items.

    "Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.

    "Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"

  9. #849
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    Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
    little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
    NAIVE

    Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
    peeing section in a swimming pool?

    OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
    the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
    make the Tennessee Titans ?

    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
    one enjoys it?

    There are three religious truths:
    1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
    Christian faith.
    3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
    Hooters


    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
    times, does he become disoriented?

    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
    Holland called Holes?

    3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

    4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
    your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

    8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
    stale bread to begin with?

    10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
    person who drives a race car not called a racist?

    12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
    language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

    16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
    follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
    cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
    cleaners depressed?

    17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
    men?

    20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
    whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
    they're cramming for their final exam.

    21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
    little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
    use? Toothpicks?

    22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
    What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
    put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
    for them while they deliver the mail?

    23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
    exactly are the others here for?

    24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
    winning.

    26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
    zigzag?

    27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
    door went nuts.

    28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

    29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

  10. #850
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    A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son.

    She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
    After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the
    road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

    Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

    As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

    Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't
    catch the other cars!"

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