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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #851
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    One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he
    used to work when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came
    in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight
    with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the
    house for a while.

    They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned
    over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about
    six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."

    Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he
    said, "kiss me on the lips."

  2. #852
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    Elmer, the farmer, went into town to retrieve his monthly
    supplies. The clerk noticed Elmer was displaying a sad face and
    asked what was wrong.

    Elmer stated that his wife, Clara, was wearing him out as she was
    a nymphomaniac and that he was worn out trying to satisfy her.

    The Clerk said "Why don't you put a shotgun on your tractor and
    when you are way out on the back of the farm you can give a blast
    in the air to signal to her that you are ready for sex."

    This would require her to run all the way to him to get serviced
    and she would have to return all the way back to the farmhouse.
    In this way it might lessen some of her demands. Elmer agreed
    that it was a good idea and would give it a try

    The following month Elmer returned for more supplies with the
    same sad look on his face. The clerk inquired what was wrong.

    Elmer responded, "Didn't you hear? Clara died unexpectedly."

    The clerk said that he hadn't heard and asked what happened.

    Elmer said, "Well, You remember that suggestion that you gave
    me?"

    The clerk said "Yes."

    "Well, It was a good one and worked just fine the first week.
    Then pheasant season came along and she ran herself to death."

  3. #853
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    If you want it bad enough ...

  4. #854
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    Time flies whether or not you're having fun.

    Plastic surgery: the work-out routine for the rich.

    Skydivers are good to the last drop.

    We can learn a lot from people who keep their mouth shut.

    Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

    If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

    If it's the thought that counts, think money.

    Being an atheist isn't too bad until someone dies.

  5. #855
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    Watching her mother as she tried on her new
    fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom,
    do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered
    so you could have that?"

    The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie,
    how dare you talk about your father like that!"

  6. #856
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    Another great joke. What's your source?

  7. #857

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    There were once three guys and there was something that each of them did SOOO much. They did these things so much that they died from it. They all went to heaven though and were granted one wish each.

    The first guy like to eat alot of food. He got so incredibly large and that's why he died. So he wished for TONS AND TONS AND TONS OF FOOD. BAM all of a sudden he was in this huge room with rows and rows and rwos of tables. Each table was full of all this food. He was then locked in the room.

    THe second guy liked to have lots and lots of sex. He ended up dieing from this though. So he wished for hoes and lots hoes. Black ones white ones spanish ones. Every kind of ho that you can think of. BAM he got it. He was in a giant room full of ho's. He was then locked up in the room.

    The third one liked to smoke alot of weed. He usually got stoned every single day and ended up dieing from this. So he wished for lots of weed. Every single type you can think of. and....... BAM he was in a giant room looking at piles and piles of weed. He was also locked in his room.

    ****

    500 years later

    ****

    There servent walked up to the first room and opened up the door and BOOM the door slammed wide open. All you saw was this giant gut sticking out. So the servant tried with all his might to try and get the door shut. He ended up using his weight and pushed his brains out to get the door shut. But couldn't seem to get it done because the gut was there. Finally he got the door closed.

    He walked up to the second door and opened it and you saw this guy just laying there yelling "HELP ME GET ME OUT OF HERE!!" and you saw all these women with pregnant stomachs and little children walking around. So he closed the door.

    He walked up to the third door and opened it and you saw this guy sitting in the corner of the room leaning his feet on the floor and resting his head on his arms which were on his knees. He was rocking back and forth like he was panicking. The servant said what's wrong. The guy piped up..."You forgot to give me a lighter you basterd!"

  8. #858
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    A Blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
    The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
    The Blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the Blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!
    "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
    The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the Blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, she's still at the average, and I don't want to discourage her. I'll just keep quiet."
    On the third day, the Blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury? Equipment failure? What's keeping you from
    meeting the 2-mile minimum?"
    The Blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  9. #859
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    :laugh: an oldie and a classic :thumb:


  10. #860
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    While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slippd and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
    Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.

    "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.

    "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects though."

    "Whats that?" the doctor asks anxiously

    "Well, everytime I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

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