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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #881
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    Bad Drivers

    There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"
    Herman says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"

  2. #882
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    "Honey, I Can't Perform!"

    A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
    "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

    "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes.

  3. #883
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    $500 Porsche

    A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
    "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

    "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

    "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

  4. #884
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    10 Things Men Won't Say


    Let's watch Lifetime!
    Sex is overrated.
    I don't want to go too far on the first date.
    Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
    There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
    I'm glad I don't have a large *****.
    My hips are too big.
    Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
    Does this suit make me look fat?
    I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

  5. #885
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    12- Pack

    A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
    The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

    The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

    Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
    The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

  6. #886
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    20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

    1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
    2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
    3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
    4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
    6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
    7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
    8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
    9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
    10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
    11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
    12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
    13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
    14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
    15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
    16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
    17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
    18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
    19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
    20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

  7. #887
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    3rd Grade Quiz

    A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Johnny.
    ''I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!''

    The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

    '' What is 3x3? ''
    ''9.''

    ''What is 6 x 6 ?''
    ''36.''

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her he thought Johnny belonged in third grade.

    ''Let me ask him some questions. What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?''

    ''Legs.''

    ''What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?''

    ''Pockets.''

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ''Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions.''

  8. #888
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    5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines

    1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
    2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
    3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
    4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
    5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

  9. #889
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    60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahh, it's cute.
    3. Who circumcised you?
    4. Why don't we just cuddle?
    5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    6. It's more fun to look at.
    7. Make it dance.
    8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
    9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
    10. It looks like a night crawler.
    11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
    13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
    14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
    15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
    16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    17. Oh no, a flash headache.
    18. (giggle and point)
    19. Can I be honest with you?
    20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
    21. Let me go get my tweezers.
    22. How sweet, you brought incense.
    23. This explains your car.
    24. You must be a growing boy.
    25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
    26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
    27. Are you one of those pygmies?
    28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
    29. Every heard of clearasil?
    30. All right, a treasure hunt!
    31. I didn't know they came that small.
    32. Why is God punishing you?
    33. At least this won't take long.
    34. I never saw one like that before.
    35. What do you call this?
    36. But it still works, right?
    37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
    38. It looks so unused.
    39. Do you take steroids?
    40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
    41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
    44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
    45. Aww, it's hiding.
    46. Are you cold?
    47. If you get me real drunk first.
    48. Is that an optical illusion?
    49. What is that?
    50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
    51. Were you neutered?
    52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
    53. Does it come with an air pump?
    54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
    55. Where are the puppet strings?
    56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
    57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
    58. Never mind, why bother.
    59. Is that a second belly button?
    60. Where's the rest of it?

  10. #890
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    A Child's Prayer

    One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
    The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

    The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

    The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

    Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

    Now the father was so scared he practically soiled himself. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

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