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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #81
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    A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped
    at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end
    of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

    As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing
    smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into
    the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him
    and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your
    face in!"

  2. #82
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    A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and
    dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.


    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he
    was doing.

    The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into
    retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over
    here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
    and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things
    here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC
    Three-Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

    The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
    three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
    he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local
    custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
    feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee
    lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the
    man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's
    third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
    and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

    The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have
    the duck."

  3. #83
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    One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price.
    After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy. When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy. He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself.
    The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace.
    The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. 'Randy' he said, 'You can't possibly last at this pace.' 'Slow down, I need you for a long time.'
    Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said 'How could you?' 'I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were.' Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said 'Shh, they're getting closer.'

  4. #84
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    There was this guy who owned a very fast motorcycle. His friends would always tell him, that because he only had one good eye (the other being a glass eye) that if he didn't slow down when he rides his motorcycle, he would someday be involved in a serious accident. But the friends' warnings were to no avail.
    One day he did get into a terrible accident out on a lonely rarely used stretch of highway. The driver and his passenger were both eye doctors.
    There was no one around when the accident happened. So one turned to the other and said, 'He just seems to be knocked out cold.' They checked the cyclist over and he seemed alright, except he had excessive damage to his eye.
    The driver then said to his friend, 'Why don't we take him to our eye clinic, fix his eye, and then put him and the motorcycle back where the accident happened. We put him near to a tree, so that no one will think that anyone else was involved in the accident.' So they did just that.
    The next day, the local newspaper reported the accident. The headline read, 'Mysterious Auto Accident Involving Cyclist with Two Glass Eyes.'

  5. #85
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    An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
    The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, 'Yahoo!' and rode off.
    'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant. 'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, ' I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
    'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback........'

  6. #86
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    AUSSIE LOVE POEM

    OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING
    YOUR A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD
    AND WHEN I SAY UR GORGEOUS
    I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD

    SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE
    I DONT MIND A BIT OF FLAB
    IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY
    THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB

    SO YOUR BELLY ISNT FLAT NO MORE
    I TELL YA, I DONT CARE
    SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA
    I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE

    NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE
    HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS
    THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY
    BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST

    IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW
    I NEVER TELL YA LIES
    I THINK ITS VERY SEXY
    THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS

    I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW
    THE MOMENT THAT WE MET
    I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS
    I WAS EVER GONNA GET

    NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE
    ILL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR
    NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTYS ON
    AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER

  7. #87
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    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, 'We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'
    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, 'Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied, 'No problem at all, Pastor.' 'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.
    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied, 'The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.' 'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.
    The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?'
    'No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,' the young man replied sadly. 'What happened?' inquired the pastor.
    'My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.'
    'You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,' stated the pastor. 'We know,' said the young man, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.'

  8. #88
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    A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!'
    They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.'
    The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, 'What are those?'
    The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'

  9. #89
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    I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife
    had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man
    sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of
    twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota
    Twins baseball team."

    About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and
    announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood
    up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
    When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his w
    ife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for
    the Four Seasons Hotel!"

    At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little
    strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When
    I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a
    breath of fresh air." The man continued, "
    I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

  10. #90
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    A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
    standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the
    car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is
    just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

    The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer
    and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

    The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

    "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

    "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out
    standing in their field."

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