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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #911
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    Big Boss Man

    When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
    The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

    The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

    The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

    And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

    Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the ****!

    Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any ******* will do.

  2. #912
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    Bill Gates and General Motors

    Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

    "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

    "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

  3. #913
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    Bill Gates' Honeymoon

    After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.

  4. #914
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    Blonde Looking for a Job

    A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

    ''Yes.''

  5. #915
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    Blonde Loses Sweet Job

    Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
    She threw away all the "W&W's"

  6. #916
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    Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

    TO: Boss
    FROM: Blondie
    RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
    I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:


    Januark
    Februark
    Mak
    Julk

    I also changed all the days of each week to:

    Sundak
    Mondak
    Tuesdak
    Wednesdak
    Thursdak
    Fridak
    Saturdak
    We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

  7. #917
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    Five reasons to believe computers are male:

    1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    2. A better model is always just around the corner.
    3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
    4. It is always necessary to have a back up.
    5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
    6. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
    7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    8. The lights are on but no one is home.
    9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
    10. Size does matter.


    Five reasons to believe computers are female:

    1 No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
    2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
    future reference.
    3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else.
    4. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If
    you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
    you."
    5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
    your paycheck on accessories for it.

  8. #918
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    I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
    having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
    DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
    GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
    that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background
    mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't
    find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and
    it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with
    my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
    incompatibility.

    I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
    might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
    conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
    experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
    cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
    Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
    uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0
    beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I
    used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole
    system and shut down for a while.

    I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
    probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
    okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in
    my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0
    still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about
    that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
    GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the
    immediate removal of both versions.

    The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
    problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some
    obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
    think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
    than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with
    your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've
    never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

    A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of girlfriend to
    GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
    GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
    year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after
    that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
    resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
    else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was
    because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the
    resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to
    FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top
    of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he
    can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
    MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
    told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you
    try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
    delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
    1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

  9. #919
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    Computer Language Breakthrough

    Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is the ultimate
    computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto, the foremost Japanese
    fourth generation language expert, as "the only truly elegant computer
    language ever devised," NULL, as it is known, was developed by the same
    department that originally invented the wrong number, the busy signal, and
    the phrase, "The number you have reached is not in service."

    NULL is the culmination of five years of work by a team of language
    designers and computer science mathematicians. The final breakthrough
    occurred when operating system expert Hugh Nicks suggested that if removing
    GOTOs was good then why not scrap IF statements as well, since they usually
    required typing too many characters anyway. This brilliant concept was
    extended through a series of complex mathematical theorems that form the
    basis of the NULL language. Put in layman's terms by Sally Kahn-Vallee,
    electrical engineer and PROM reader, "Like we first we tossed out the bath
    water, then the baby, and like finally the whole tub." The elegance and
    conciseness of NULL can thus be proven to be a direct consequence of the
    fact that the language as defined contains no statements at all. While at
    first glance this may seem a drawback, in fact, it is a major improvement
    over any other language. A few of the numerous reasons are:

    Point 1: Highly structured constructs.

    Point 2: Advanced data hiding techniques.

    Point 3: A NULL compiler can be written first in NULL without ever
    needing to be written in a lower level language.

    Point 4: Since there are no statements to compile, in fact, no compiler
    need ever be written in the first place, saving time and money.

    Point 5: Since there will be no compilers, no new releases will ever be
    issued hence maintenance is reduced.

    Point 6: NULL programs are highly portable and totally machine
    independent.

    Point 7: NULL programs compile and execute rapidly. An important point
    to note is that with the addition of a small amount of language
    dependent code, e.g. PROC/END etc., all NULL programs can be compiled by
    any other language compiler.

    Point 8: Since there will never be new releases of NULL, all programs
    are upwardly and downwardly compatible.

    Point 9: NULL can be parsed top-down, bottom-up, left-right, right-left,
    inside-out, and over-easy.

    Point 10: NULL programs are both self-documenting for clarity and
    self-concealing for security.

    Point 11: NULL programmers are easy to find and once found can be fired
    since they are not needed.

    Point 12: If desired, specialized NULL hardware could be designed,
    implementing the code in firmware. Of course, such hardware may require
    years of development. One suggestion from Bell's VLSI experts Nora and
    Andy Gates was to take an existing available chip and remove all the
    instructions except NOOP. While this should work in theory, they
    acknowledged that it is probably not the most efficient implementation.

    These are just a few of the many ways NULL is superior to all current
    computer languages. You can, no doubt, think of more. For further reading
    consult any of the numerous books and articles by Donald Knuth, David
    Parnas, and of course, the basis of all modern computer language theory,
    "The Emperor's New Clothes."

  10. #920
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    Jul 2002
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    Ten Ways To Tell If It's A Redneck's Computer


    1. The monitor is up on blocks.

    2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

    3. The six front keys have rotted out.

    4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

    5. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.

    6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

    7. The password is "Bubba".

    8. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

    9. The keyboard's camoflaged.

    10. The varmint (mouse) has buckshot holes.

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