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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #921
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    Have you ever received a phone call the minute you stepped outside your
    door? Has the bus you were waiting for ever appeared from behind a parked
    truck the instant you light up a cigarette? Certain astute individuals have
    noticed that such events are not the exception but, rather, the rule. Men
    like Murphy, Peter and Parkinson have made it their life work to ferret out
    the operating principles - the laws that govern the frustrating lives that
    we mortals live. Here is a small sampling of these laws.

    Murphy's Law
    If anything can go wrong, it will.

    O'Tool's Commentary On Murphy's Law
    Murphy was an optimist.

    The Unspeakable Law
    As soon as you mention something ....
    ... if it's good, it goes away
    ... if it's bad, it happens.

    Nonreciprocal Laws Of Expectations
    Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield
    negative results.

    Howe's Law
    Every man has a scheme that will not work.

    Zymurgy's First Law Of Evolving Systems Dynamics
    Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a
    larger can.

    Etorre's Observation
    The other line moves faster.

    Skinner's Constant (Flanagan's Finagling Factor)
    That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or
    subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have
    got.

    Murphy's Law Of Selective Gravity
    An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

    Jenning's Corollary To Murphy's Law Of Selective Gravity
    The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly
    proportional to the cost of the carpet.

    Gordon's First Law
    If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing
    well.

    Maier's Law
    If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

    Hoare's Law Of Large Problems
    Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

    Boren's First Law
    When in doubt, mumble.

    The Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences
    Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

    Barth's Distinction
    There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types,
    and those who don't.

    Segal's Law
    A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is
    never sure.

    The Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules
    The first 90 % of the task takes 90 % of the time, and the last 10 %
    takes the other 90 %

    Farber's Fourth Law
    Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

  2. #922
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    Don't Worry, Be Crabby


    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
    tire.

    A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much
    blood when you grab a thorn.

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my
    cat.

    Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

    It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore
    someone completely.

    The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.

    I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on
    somebody else.

    I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
    foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

    Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
    underwear during a fire drill.

    Always take time to stop and smell the roses...
    and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

    Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
    may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

    If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
    That's why the highway department made so many of them.

    If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.
    Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
    It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

    It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
    newspaper, that's the time to do it.

    A handy telephone tip:
    Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls,
    you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until
    he hangs up.

    Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
    the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
    "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

    Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

    Into every life some rain must fall.
    Usually when your car windows are down.

    How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial
    question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service,
    throw in that little sprig of parsley.

    Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
    neighbor's car!

    When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that
    all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

    If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up
    sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

    Men are like small children.
    You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

    I love playing cards with children.
    They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

    This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
    That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

    They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
    I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't
    wanna know 'em!

    Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...
    Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

    A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who
    messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

    If they lined up all the men in the world... it would be one goofy line.

    If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit
    their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

    Winning isn't everything.
    Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

    Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

    Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV.
    So I put the cat there.

    I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece
    of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

    Somewhere, over the rainbow...
    that's where the airline will find my luggage.

    It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

    Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...
    it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

    This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

    Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,
    and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

    I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
    Step 1: take a deep breath
    Step 2: count to 10
    Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire

  3. #923
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    A universal truth is something thatís true at all times for all people.
    Here are a few:

    1. Beware of any project that starts with the words: Remove old finish.
    2. True happiness is finding someone who will put up with you. The first
    step in finding that person is admitting that you need some putting up
    with.
    3. If you wonder why something is the way it is, find out whoís making
    money from it being that way.
    4. If it ainít chocolate, it ainít dessert. Banana cream pie, for example,
    is just another part of the meal like the green beans or asparagus.
    5. Whenever someone tells you they are doing something "for your own good,"
    you can be certain that you wonít like it. Furthermore, they will
    expect you to pay for it. If theyíre "protecting your morals," youíll
    have to pay double.
    6. Not all lawyers should be shot. Some should be hanged.
    7. Nothing is so perfect that someone, somewhere, wonít hate it.
    8. Real knowledge is knowing where to find the answers.
    9. The world is run by the people that show up.
    10. Information is not knowledge anymore than loose ingredients are a cake.
    11. Two wrongs donít make a right, but three rights make a left.
    12. Intellectualism must not be confused with wisdom.
    13. The problem with doing something right the first time is that no one
    knows how difficult it was.
    14. The difference between adventure and disaster is preparation.
    15. Few things in life succeed as well as a power-on reset.
    16. The most popular human pastime is denial.
    17. Forgiveness is easier to obtain than permission.
    18. Any solution proposed by a politician will contain more problems than it
    solves.
    19. Donít worry, youíre not the first.
    20. You can have it if youíre willing to pay for it.
    21. Manís most precious possessions are his delusions.

  4. #924
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    "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
    - Gene Hill

    "In dog years I'm dead"
    - Unknown

    "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry

    "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
    - Penny Ward Moser

    "The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
    - Danish Proverb

    "The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."
    - Michael Friedman

    "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
    - Aldous Huxley

    "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
    - Robert Benchley

    "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
    - Sue Murphy

    "Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
    - Unknown

    "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
    - Unknown

    "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
    - August Strindberg

    "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
    - Fran Lebowitz

    "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
    - Anne Tyler

    "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
    - Rita Rudner

    "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
    - Joe Weinstein

    "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
    - James Thurber

    "You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
    - Nora Ephron

    "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
    - Ann Landers

    "Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
    - Robert A. Heinlein

    "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
    - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

    "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
    - Ben Williams

    "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
    - Edward Abbey

    "Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
    - Unknown

    "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail..."
    - Unknown

    "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
    - Christopher Morley

    "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
    - Josh Billings

    "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
    - Holbrook Jackson

    "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
    - Andrew A. Rooney

    "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"
    - Unknown

  5. #925
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    A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "...ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

    A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

    "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

    "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of dog do you have?"

    "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

    "Liar!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

    "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

  6. #926
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    A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

    The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

    The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

    Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

    The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

    The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

    "He's not clever," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

  7. #927
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    Bachelor's Cooking


    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from
    politics to cooking.

    "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

    "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

    "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean
    dish."

  8. #928
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    Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

    An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

  9. #929
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    Child Of Bill Gates



    10. Dad hires another baby to teethe for you.

    9. If daddy doesn't give you the toy you want, you can rat him out to Janet
    Reno.

    8. You look at baby on Pampers package and think, "I can buy and sell you."

    7. You can spit up on Al Gore when he claims he invented you.

    6. You're two days old and already you can beat dad at arm wrestling.

    5. When you crash Microsoft technicians are right there to reboot you.

    4. Instead of Raffi CD playing in nursery -- Raffi playing in nursery.

    3. The "goofy hair" gene skips a generation.

    2. Cry all you want in movie theater -- if people complain, dad buys the
    dump and kicks everybody out.

    1. Easy laughs by calling yourself "Bill Version 2.0."

  10. #930
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    God And Microsoft



    1. In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those
    he created the Word.

    2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And
    God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

    3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said -
    Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks
    and hard disks and compact disks.

    4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to
    put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created
    computers and called them hardware.

    5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big.
    And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

    6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will
    make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

    7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God
    showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
    volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

    8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took
    a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look
    up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the
    Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

    9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was
    good.

    10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said
    to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

    11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and
    every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

    12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not
    even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You
    will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
    mouse.

    13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier
    to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows
    could replace it.

    14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
    Programmers that it was good.

    15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God
    asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I
    am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And
    God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the
    Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

    16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all
    the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you
    will always sell Windows.

    17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will
    disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use
    lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

    18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you
    will never be happy. All your programs will have errors. And you will
    have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

    19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
    secured it with a password.

    20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.

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