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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #931
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Microsoft Patents The Numbers One And Zero

    In what CEO Bill Gates called, "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect
    our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the
    Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.

    With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or
    selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building
    blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10
    cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

    "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since
    its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest
    of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and
    unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing
    marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain
    competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use
    of our numerals."

    A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer,
    Netscape, and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft
    patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the
    10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

    "While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a
    platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a
    string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott
    McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many
    Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every
    day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this

    "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to
    convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious
    doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling
    pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

    As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun
    radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has
    embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium."
    Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to
    Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a
    chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing
    a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

    Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that
    ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. "We will
    vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours,"
    Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit
    cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as
    'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras
    himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early
    tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr,
    or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein
    and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And
    Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty
    proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to
    these numbers."

    Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the

    According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one
    and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural numbers
    derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to
    ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean
    geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of
    motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale
    University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In
    other words, pretty much everything."

    Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may
    not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like
    pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this
    week. Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to
    individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as
    walking, stretching and smiling. In an address beamed live to billions of
    people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his
    company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.

    "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of
    the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the
    computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful
    software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of
    consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

  2. #932
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    20 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic

    1. Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

    2. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

    3. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

    4. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material;
    Rose is just marriage bait.

    5. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

    6. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of
    that thing!" and really mean it.

    7. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving
    madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

    8a. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic
    characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians
    to Admiral.

    8b. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

    9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his
    fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he
    strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

    10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

    11. People have not lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star
    Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.

    12. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.

    13. Two words: John Williams.

    14. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

    15. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the

    16. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he
    would use the Force to get the key.

    17. "I'd rather be his ***** than your wife" just doesn't have the same
    sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

    18. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo is
    simply frozen.

    19. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke...
    I am your father?"

    20. Han Solo would've missed that dang iceberg!

  3. #933
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Two lawyers, Carl and Steve, decided to take their vacation
    together and went on a small, private plane to visit Paris for a
    time. There was a terrible storm, and the plane went down into
    the Atlantic ocean. Fortunately, the two lawyers survived the
    crash, but had to swim to a nearby island that only had a few
    banana trees and a few coconut trees, and they were stranded for
    several months with only bananas and coconuts to live on. Each
    day, they would climb up the tallest tree to see if there was a
    ship out there to rescue them.
    One day, Carl called to Steve from the tree, "I see a rubber
    raft! And it's headed this way!"
    Steve called up, "Is there anyone in it?"
    "No... oh... wait! YES! It's a beautiful blonde woman! And
    she's naked!"

    The rubber raft finally reached the tiny island, and the woman was
    alive, but unconscious. They pulled her up onto the beach, and
    Carl said, "It's been a real long time... do you think we could...
    you know... screw her?"

    Steve exclaimed, "Out of what? That measly rubber raft?!"

  4. #934
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!

  5. #935
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Well she won more than most people win in Vegas.

  6. #936
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    If Operating Systems were Beer...

    DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to

    read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only

    came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can

    is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be

    accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of

    people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

    Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.

    can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look

    identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The

    ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the

    ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on

    the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

    Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that

    looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.

    Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,

    but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,

    especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same

    time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will

    explode when you open it..

    OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS

    Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer

    simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans

    won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never

    really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer

    (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs

    have been sold.

    Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have

    taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac

    Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.

    cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in

    them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until

    their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The

    ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the

    same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer

    claims that this is an entirely new brew.

    Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the

    truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger

    refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the

    company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's

    - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial

    strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

    Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8

    oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty,

    even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost

    identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them,

    so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in

    which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend

    who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

    AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe

    has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will

    be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the

    original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer,

    AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It

    originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.

    When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and

    colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it

    appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant

    for watching TV anyway.

  7. #937
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Top 50 Ways to wreak havoc in a computer lab!
    1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream

    "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

    2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look

    suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

    3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that

    you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait

    5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

    4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you


    5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different

    screen than the one it's set up with.

    6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the

    highest volume possible over & over again.

    7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by

    something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

    8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret

    Pentagon files.

    9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

    10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

    11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say

    "Just in case..." mysteriously.

    12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at

    everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

    13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're

    crazy while typing.

    14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

    15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone

    agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

    16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray

    "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

    17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

    18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps

    if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

    19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by

    hitting the keys with the straw.

    20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion

    Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

    21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your

    monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain

    loudly that women (men) are worthless.

    22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it

    doesn't work, get the supervisor.

    23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the

    smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

    24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done

    (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

    25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing

    this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

    26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to

    grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person

    enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far

    more effective to let them linger.

    27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut

    them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

    28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your

    desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

    29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place

    them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them

    around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of

    cotton on plastic.

    30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like

    this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working


  8. #938
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Bathing Your Cat
    Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

    I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

    The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

    When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

    -- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

  9. #939
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Cat Proverbs
    "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
    - Dave Platt

    "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
    - Unknown

    "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
    - Anonymous

    "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
    - Jeff Valdez

    "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
    - English proverb

    "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
    - Ellen Perry Berkeley

    "One cat just leads to another."
    - Ernest Hemingway

    "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
    - Mary Bly

    "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
    - Joseph Wood Krutch

    "People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
    - Faith Resnick

    "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
    - Anonymous

    "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
    - Hippolyte Taine

    "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
    - Albert Schweitzer

    "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
    - Ernest Menaul

    "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

    "Time spent with cats is never wasted."
    - Colette

    "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
    - Joseph Wood Krutch

    "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

  10. #940
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Cat Jokes
    A cat - One animal that never cries over spilt milk

    I'm learning to be a cat-burglar - A cat is teaching Me-Ow

    What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a chinese cat?
    A Peking Tom

    What was the name of the famous cat composer?

    Did you hear about the African cat that escaped from the zoo?
    He made headlions!

    When I yelled at my cat, I think I hurt her felines.

    Did you hear about the leopards that keeps itself too clean?
    He's spotless

    What do cats go when they die?

    Two stray cats on a wall:
    Cat 1: Meow
    Cat 2: Woof!
    Cat 1: Woof?
    What sort of reply is that?
    Cat 2: I'm learning a foreign language

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