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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #941
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    Top Signs Your Cat Is Planning To Kill You
    1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

    2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

    3. He actually _does_ have your tongue.

    4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.

    5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

    6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

    7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

    8. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."

    9. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"

    10. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

    11. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

    12. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

    13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

    14. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

    15. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

    16. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

  2. #942
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    How To Give Your Cat A Pill
    By Peggy Althoff

    1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

    2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.

    3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

    4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

    5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

    6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

    7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

    8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and... Oooops!

    9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

    10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

    11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

    12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

    13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

    14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

    15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

    16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

    17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

    18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

  3. #943
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    What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
    Your honor

    What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
    Senator.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

    What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A good start!

    How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    His lips are moving.

    What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
    There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
    Depends on how thin you slice them.

    Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    Professional courtesy.

    What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    Not enough sand.

    When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
    Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!

    How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    Cut the rope.

    How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
    Shoot him before he hits the water.

    What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
    When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

    What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
    There was an empty seat.

    How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
    Never enough.

    Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
    No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
    With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

    What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
    A lobotomy.

    What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
    One's a bottomcrawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

    Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
    He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

    Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
    From chasing parked ambulances.

    Where can you find a good lawyer?
    In the cemetery

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
    The lawyer charges more.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
    A vampire only sucks blood at night.

    What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
    A doberman.

    How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

    Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
    Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

    Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
    It's called, Sosumi.

  4. #944
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    A MAN, A WOMAN, AND A CAT: STAGES IN A RELATIONSHIP
    At the beginning of a relationship...
    Woman: Darling, I'd like you to meet my cat.
    Man: (under his breath: Ugh. I hate cats.) Uh, hi. Nice kitty.
    As the relationship progresses...
    Woman: Dear, I get the impression that you don't like my cat.
    Man: That's ridiculous. I love Poopsie. (under his breath: This cat is ruining our relationship.)
    As the relationship reaches a more stable level...
    Woman: Oh, Poopsie looks just so cute sitting there on your lap.
    Man: (Darn thing's shedding all over my new suit.) Well, I guess she's not so bad.
    Later...
    Woman: I swear, you like that cat more than you like me.
    Man: You know that's not true. I can't help it if she follows me around all the time.
    The final stages...
    Man: Honey, have you seen my cat anywhere?
    Woman: What do you mean, your cat?

  5. #945
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    A red head goes for a drive in the country and she has to stop as there is a farmer who is moving his sheep from one pasture to another across the road.

    She rolls down the window and says to the farmer, "If I can tell you the exact number of sheep that you have, can I keep one?"

    The farmer figuring that a city girl would never be able to agreed.

    The red head guesses the number and is 100% correct. I mean not off by one sheep.

    The farmer is an honest man and tells her that she did guess the right number.

    She gets out of her car, selects her animal and puts it in the car. Just before she drives away, the farmer asked her a question. "If I can tell you the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?

  6. #946
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    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
    Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
    He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.
    "OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
    Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest.
    Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
    "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
    "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

  7. #947
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    A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

  8. #948
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    Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
    So they went home.

  9. #949
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    How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
    Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.

  10. #950
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    Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it's sexual harassment...
    But when a women talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.

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