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Thread: How did I get home?




  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    Is this familiar to anyone? How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

    The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

    The beer scooter works in the following fashion:

    The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

    It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates an answer to the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'. Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries).

    An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the answer to the third question after a night out 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (embarrassing moments in time) add on, that automatically allocates (for removal), in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.

    Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

    With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter-thru chain specialising in half eaten currys and pizza crusts. Another question answered.

    Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and has an CTSGS (coffee table seeking guidance system) which explains the bruised shins.

    For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half.
    Cameron "Mr.Tweak" Wilmot
    Managing Director
    Tweak Town Pty Ltd

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    That certainly casts a glaring light on some of the dim corners of my youth!
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    The oproblem gets worse when you get the two seated beer scooter......and that absolutely beautiful vixen you were drinking with catches the ride too....this often leads the next morning to a bout of dingo syndrome......you know when you'd rather bite off your own arm in the morning than wake that frightfull dragon asleep on your arm....
    The older I get...the better I was

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    Thanks for clearing that up Tweak:)
    Madness is the gift that has been given to me!

    *Slaps Ollie, Beffy and Mouse with The Creators lifeless carcuss.....then ties up Morgan lander and forces him to listen to ****ty pop music for hours..bwahaha

  5. #5
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    The only time I've woken up in bed and wondered how I got home was one time when I worked from 7pm till 7am and I still don't know 19yrs later. :?:
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  6. #6
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    Jan 2002
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    OH... I get it...
    I think we should all thank Bacchus for his franchise, without which many of us would still be in that bathroom, lying on the ground in our own puke and urine, with a clean toilet because you didnt know that **** was laced, so the magic gnomes of the bathroom were able to convince you that the toilet wasnt actually there, making accurate aiming impossible.

    ...or was that just me???

  7. #7
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    in other words the only way you can understand how the beer scooter works is if you are totally stoned:devil:

  8. #8
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    Nov 2001
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    Errrr....actually...no....I have never done that...:p
    Quick!!.Pack your bags!!

    The Elephants are coming!!

  9. #9
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    either mad or stoned - otherwise tweak's beer scooter just doen't make sense

  10. #10
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    lol, maybe he was on some good stuff when he posted that....:confused:
    Quick!!.Pack your bags!!

    The Elephants are coming!!

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