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Thread: Dam!! You've gotta read this.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    I know it's long, but it's very amusing.

    Unauthorized Activity

    This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man
    named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
    Quality, State of Michigan.

    Wait till you read this guy's response.......but read the letter
    before you get to the response........


    Mr. Ryan DeVries
    2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

    SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
    Montcalm County

    Dear Mr. DeVries:

    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
    Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
    above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as
    the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
    unauthorized activity:

    Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
    outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to
    the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's
    files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
    Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
    Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
    Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
    being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
    Laws, annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
    partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
    flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this
    nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
    Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities
    at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
    condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the
    stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later
    than January 31, 2002.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
    so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
    staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further
    unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
    referred for elevated enforcement action.

    We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
    matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
    any questions.

    Sincerely, David L. Price

    District Representative Land and Water Management Division


    This is the actual response sent back........

    Dear Mr. Price,

    Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
    Montcalm County.

    Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to
    respond to.

    First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or
    Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal
    owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
    process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
    across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

    While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
    project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
    skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

    I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
    their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe
    I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
    skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
    persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

    As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
    must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type
    of dam activity.

    My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
    discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require
    all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

    If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
    through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies
    of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been
    issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of
    Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
    Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
    being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
    Laws, annotated.

    I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
    entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
    financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
    representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam
    lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of
    the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is
    proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
    required to protect.

    In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
    rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you
    want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
    contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they
    obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
    unable to read English.

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
    build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
    grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam
    rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
    of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
    name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
    environment (Beavers' Dams.).

    So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
    be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why
    wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
    dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
    contact/harass them then.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
    environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
    bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
    believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
    the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver
    dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they

    Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
    contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
    response to your dam office.


    Stephen L.Tvedten

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Lmao.... Only in America can you find this.... what is sick is you buy a piece of land (its your right) you should be able to do whatever you wish too on that property right (wrong) you have to pull a permit for everything. If you want to put up a little swimming pool and above the ground one you have to pull a permit. If you want to put up a fience you have to pull one. If you want to chop down a tree you have to pull a permit too. You can not do anything to that proberty unless you pull a permit. My mother got a 500.00 dollar a day fine for not pulling a permit to put a above the ground pool. they ordered her to take it down and get a permit then put it back up. It is just a bounch of BS and a way to make money since permits cost a good bit of money

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2002

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    That response brought tears of laughter to my eyes.............wonder if he ever got a dam reply from that dam office

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2002


    So the beavers made the dam...

    - Damien

  6. #6
    Beefy Guest


    those dam beavers.. always playing tricks.. :D

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    alway dam building................

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    New England Highlands, Australia


    Just goes to show that ya don't need brains to work for a government department. :D

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    Maybe a dam govt is needed ;)

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Ironic Incidents

    1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
    Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of
    the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
    amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both
    eaten by a killer whale.

    2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter
    in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
    needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her
    mentally retarded.

    3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
    world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight
    hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
    girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut

    4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
    frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
    towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
    current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking
    his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his

    5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
    sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all
    two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
    trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

    6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
    letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
    You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his

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